How to convince your husband?

Recently, I was talking to a friend about unassisted homebirth, which is something I've done, and something she was interested in. I won't go into the pros and cons of unassisted homebirth here, I'll refer you to my other articles on that. However, she pointed out, it came down to one thing: even if this choice was the best option for her, how could she get her husband to agree with her? How could a wife get a husband to agree on anything? She asked me what I did to "convince" my husband. Well, here's how it is.

The key to this method is respect. If your husband is a good man, and you respect each other, this will work very well. Remember to respect him, and he will respect you.

When I am learning about a new thing, perhaps a new thing we could do to improve our family, or a new belief system, or a device I want to buy, or whatever, I tend to read a lot about it. My husband, though also a great reader, simply doesn't have as much time in his life to learn and read as I do. So, once I begin to love a topic, and want to get him on board, I begin a slow teaching technique. Long before I tell him my opinion on the topic, or why I love it and am so exicted about it, like days or weeks before that, I gradually begin to introduce the subject. I try to sound very neutral about it.

Indeed, I must be very neutral about it. If I were to flood him, not only with information on the subject, but also with my strong emotions and feelings on the subject and how it can change our lives, it would be far too much for a man to handle. Men move much more slowly than woman do, especially when emotions and passion for something are involved.

The first night, for example, I will tell him that the thing exists, that some people actually do this thing. Then, the next night, if he's ready, I spend just a few minutes of the evening, not too long, further describing what the thing is -- still, completely neutral in emotion or opinion towards the subject. Then, I give it a few days, like two or three, in which I continue to learn about it, but I don't mention it to him at all. This gives you time to be absolutely sure on the topic by learning as much about it is possible, and more importantly gives him time to feel that he is not being ambushed every time you see him. This is an important step, don't skip it.

Then, after that time has passed, you gently bring it up again, this time telling him you kind of have an opinion and might be in favor of this thing. Even though you are incredibly passionate about it, he's still not ready for that. This evening, you're still mostly sharing facts, but you are also telling him that this thing may be rather important to you. He didn't know this before, this is the first time he's hearing it. Remain calm, you are not pressuring him, you are merely stating your opinion, then backing off. It will be about more three days until he will start to understand what your opinion is and what it means. Be careful in this stage. If you do not harness your emotions, you might find yourself telling him that you will to do the thing, no matter what his opinion is on it. Whether or not this is true, today's not the day to mention it.

The trick to this whole thing is to set up a situation in which your husband feels free, and indeed, really is free, to make his own decision on the subject, and remains at all times in a situation in which he is completely free of spousal pressure. See, you're not telling him what to do. You are giving him the following information, like a news article would:

1) this thing exists, and here are the facts on it, in a fair and balanced manner, not taking sides
2) later, this is my personal opinion on the subject.

Both of these two things listed above are just giving him information that he didn't have before. He didn't know the thing existed, or was a real possibility in your lives, and he didn't know you cared about it.

After providing such information, and providing days or weeks of time and productive discussions on the matter, he will then be in a position to form his own opinion on it. A person really can't form an opinion until they have a certain amount of information on it.

The productive discussions may go on as long as you both want to talk on the matter. If you think he's forgotten about it, it's quite possible he has. It's okay to bring up the subject when you wish, provided that the first steps are completed. Be aware as you are talking to him, though. Be sensitive, and be prepared to drop the subject once he is finished talking about it that day.

Oh, and by the way, don't ask his opinion on it until you're at least a week into this, maybe not even then. When he knows his opinion, he'll tell you. Don't push him, or he'll back out of the deal completely. You can ask him, when he's ready, one or two weeks into it, if you can do the thing. He may not answer right away, but it's good at that point to tell him what your goal is, and what you need of him, for whenever he's ready to give it.

This is how I "convince" my husband. I leave it in quotes, because, as I understand it, I'm not convincing, or trying to change his mind without consulting him on it first, and I am not telling him what to do. I am providing him time and information that he needs to form an opinion and a plan.

Yes, this may completely fail. By respecting that your husband, just like you, has all these levels of freedom, he may completely go the other way. But, hopefully, it won't happen too often. Plus, it's well worth it, not only because it's a nice way to do things in a marriage, but because those times when he does agree with you, he'll really agree with you!