I have to write, or rather, things need to be written by me. I don't so much know what yet. This is why I started writing and collecting all of those articles on my website linked above.
I think the next step, besides just writing many more articles, is to start collecting, and in same cases, transcribing, things I've written in the past. I don't know if I'll include the poetry of ages 15-25, we'll see.
I have this urge, this compulsion, to record and document my experiences and my studies. I've had it all my life. As a child, this compulsion was the worst obligation I had, because I hated writing, and because we didn't have computers so any writing took much longer. Later, I grew to like writing. It became a way to get every last detail out of my head. Only after writing do I feel relieved of the obligation to record each experience and thought.
I had a dream when I was a girl. Not a repeating dream, I don't have those. However, this was quite probably the most meaningful and most powerful dream I've ever had. This is not because I think the dream was a real experience, but because the things expressed in the dream feel like they are true.
This dream occurred one night when I was young, somewhere between the ages of seven and nine. In the dream it was nighttime. The rest of my family was asleep, and I was in my nightgown. I walked out of my house, the house of my childhood, through the front door and to the small area of grass and trees in my front yard. The moon shone through the clouds with a beautiful pale blue and white light. I saw that a desk and a chair had been placed in the middle of the grass between the trees, and I perceived that Jesus came down from the sky, as if coming down from heaven. He stood next to me on the ground and told me that I needed to write in my journal. I felt some dread at hearing this, because I hated writing in my journal. I felt at this point that even though I was still a young girl, that this represented me nearing the end of my days, and that I had neglected to record most of the many events, experiences, and observations of my life. He told me that I would not be allowed to leave and to join him in heaven until I had completed my work and had written it all down. I sat down at that desk and wrote and wrote and wrote. I was very tired many times, but when Jesus is standing nearby waiting, you tend to keep working. I finally finished just before dawn. He took the book I had written, and now, after all that work, I was permitted to go. I held his hand and he took me, as if we went towards heaven. I felt a great relief that my work was done. However, I wished that I had not waited so long, to the end of my life, before I had finally written everything down as I had been personally instructed to do.
Upon waking, I realized that the need for me to write might be even more important that I had originally thought. I still kept only a very sporadic journal for the next ten years, picking up the habit more in my late teens. Now I keep periodic records, and have old computer files and old journal entries from pre-computer days. I'm thinking that, in addition to writing more articles and current things, I could compile previous writings. Maybe onto a CD or something, I'll figure that out next. All I know is that I now feel compulsed from some interior source. Not from the dream, not from exterior coersion, but from me. I have my whole life to do this, but I don't want to get behind! :-)
Also, I've started a new thing in which I get to read as many books as I want. I used to try so hard to be normal, including not reading many non-fiction books, because most people don't do that. I've been stunting my own development. I have a strong desire to reach my potential, whatever that is.
Books I'm reading now:
- The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci, in Italian and English, Volume 1
- Asperger's and Self-Esteem: Insight and Hope Through Famous Role Models
- Words in a French LIfe
Books I finished last week:
- Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You'd only Ask a Doctor after your Third Martini
- Natural Health, Natural Medicine
To read next:
- Decoding the Universe: How the new science of informationis explaining everything in the Cosmos, from our brains to black holes
- The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci, in Italian and English, Volume 2
Also, I saw a book on Amazon.com about fractals in nature which looks really interesting.
I was also thinking of going over the Asperger's and Self Esteem book that I'm almost done with and listing all the traits listed in it that I have. It would be a long list, but it would be fun. :-) In fact, even though I knew I was an Aspie before, and many have told me it's true, I still wanted to secretly deny it to myself, to keep pretending to be normal. After reading this book, and reading their lists of all the differences in these really admirable people, most of whom I really like, such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Gregor Mendel, Charles Darwin, and my all-time hero, Carl Sagan, it indeed is inspiring me to be more bold and more free to be myself, and indulge myself in things I am interested in, in the hope of becoming who I really am designed to be.
Wish me luck!