On Getting Married

I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine the other day, who is heavily into the dating and seeking a mate phase in her life, and I found myself telling her why I got married, so today I'm going to tell it to you.

Marriage is a very good thing to do, and it is something that I highly recommend. My husband, Brian, and I just passed our 12th anniversary, so I hope I've gained some clout on this subject. I see lots of people living together these days, some sharing a life, but, I guess, not quite sure if they want to commit. Others, living together permanently; that's their arrangement for life. I know some people are more comfortable with this, and I will try to enlarge my understanding to attempt to comprehend this. Prior to our marriage, my husband and I were the types of people who wanted to be married. Married, I should say, is different than living together, soul mated, or bonded for life.

On the last episode of "Mad About You', Paul Reiser's show on TV in the early 90's, Paul's father was complementing him on seven years of marriage. However, he and his wife had just learned that the person who married them wasn't really qualified to marry them, so, accidentally, they really hadn't been married all that time. (I know, it's a silly plot twist.) At that point, the couple freaked out and immediatly weren't sure how much of a couple they were. Paul's father said: "Wow, seven years, that's not nothing!" In response, Paul asked "now what if we hadn't been married that whole time?" And his father said "well, that would be nothing."

I know it's only a pretend TV show, but it illustrates my point. I've seen many non-married couples stay together for years, longer than some marriges even: living together, "consummating" their relationship, sharing cars, friends, and finances. But what I always want to know is: are they a family? Do they spend all of their days, or even some of their days, concentrating on concern that the relationship might not last? What happens if children come unexpectedly? are they welcomed automatically or is it a stressful time? Will children complicate things because you have to decide what last name to give them and who gets custody? If jobs change, or if you have to move far away, does the couple stay together in the move, or is that something to split over? Is it hard to share family duties because each party has a sense of self instead of a sense of working for the marriage? Is it true that the man sometimes thinks: why should I buy the cow if I can get the milk for free? For this last question, I think it is true because I've seen it more than once in my friends. And when the flow of milk stops, the man leaves. The woman is left looking for a mate again, but now with more of her life and childbearing years gone.

I didn't mean to offend anyone there with those questions, they weren't directed at anyone in particular, they are just things I wonder when I see perma-dating friends of mine. It motivated me to tell you what I know. If you are not sure if you are with the right person, wait and be sure. Please don't be with the wrong person just to be married, that's not what I'm advocating. I am rather speaking to those people who are already in a relationship with the right person. And for those of you who aren't sure which group you are in, please note, identifying a person as the right or wrong person to marry shouldn't take longer than a year.

When did I know? Here's what I wanted to tell you. Brian and I were in love, and twitterpated, which, yes, dulls the logic and reasoning. However, we had another clue. After several months of dating, but less than half a year, we finally reached a point where we couldn't stand to be apart from each other. Not only was it quite painful to have to return to different houses at night -- we are the kind that didn't live together or consummate our relationship prior to marriage -- but we knew we wanted to be with the other person every day for the forseeable future. That's enough, that's all it takes: Love, Friendship, Wanting to be togehter every day, and being over age 18.

Some might say it takes money, and I've found that to be both true and untrue. It is true in that you need to be able to provide for the basics in life, such as housing, food, and clothing. When Brian and I announced our engagement to his father, he immediately sat us down at his table and had us show him our financial plan. And he was right. It may not take loads of money, but it does take the ability to be able to budget, plan, and spend money wisely. I have heard that financial problems are the 2nd leading cause of divorce, so plan out your finances carefully. However, I believe it is not true that large amounts of money need to be saved first. They are not needed, you do not need to buy a large house or have a huge and lavish wedding at the beginning of a marriage. These are things that can be worked for together as you share your life and as you grow in love and in financial power. Some people have tiny weddings, you can always have a large party a few years later, or every anniversary, to celebrate your union. We had a tiny wedding, spent about $130 total, which included my dress, a small grocery store cake, and a few roses. They don't all have to be this small, we were very poor in college, but it's an illustration to point out that marriage and a wedding don't always have a lot to do with each other.

How'd it turn out? Great! We have a great marriage. We are still best friends and still in love. We have two kids so far, and we want more someday. We don't agree on everything, or even a lot of things. But we didn't get married to be with our identical twin. We find we are attracted to the differences in each other. We find that it's okay to disagree and do things our own ways. We are living together, and sharing our lives, but we do not do everything together, nor do we want to. We have some interests that are the same, and some that are different. I love my life, my husband, my family, and my marriage, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

To sum up: If you know who you would marry if you had to choose, then you're probably ready to get married.