Response

FROM TARA, ON FACEBOOK:

Tara Ford

I can understand where you are coming from. I had a dear friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her mid-twenties. I probably prayed harder for her than anything I ever had for myself. She passed away about a year and half after her diagnosis.

A few weeks after she passed, a man gave his testimony in church on a fast Sunday. He had a family member that was diagnosed with cancer and was healed. His testimony was about how "prayer works" and can heal people.

It made me so mad!! The pain of my friend's loss was still fresh, so hearing about something positive for another person just felt like salt in the wound.

I know that sometimes we just need to vent to feel better--not sure if that's all you needed when writing this note. But if you do need some positive words I want to let you know that you are an amazing person. Maybe you can't do some of the activities that you enjoyed before, but I think perhaps you are finding new perspective and joys. One of those things is your photography. I don't know if you did much before, but I've enjoyed seeing your nature pictures and all the pictures of your family. I think that is something that everyone is going to treasure down the road. And perhaps you take those activities that you love and reinvent how you do them. Have you done much container gardening?

Don't want to turn this into a sermon, so will stop there. But if you feel like you need to vent more or need some words of encouragement I'm around.

MY RESPONSE:

Yes, I just needed to vent. I was having an angry day yesterday. That's really rare for me, but I decided to go into it deep yesterday, to finally feel all of the anger I had been building up for so long. I'm feeling better today. I totally know what you mean about your friend. Some people are telling me that I'm choosing to be disabled because I don't have enough faith. But that's just not how it works sometimes. They're like "what did God say when you got a blessing?" And I answer "he said get used to it, this is your life now." Then it's like they don't believe me.

People ask why I don't pray to get healed anymore. I did. I tried a lot. But God said no. So, I eventually moved on to pray for things he said I could get, like a basic diagnosis. Now I'm praying that my new medicine might give me relief from the lifelong hormonal problems I've had. So, I'm praying for things that God's said maybe I can have. There's no point in praying for something for over a year when he says No every time.

But it is hard. When I first stopped being able to walk, in our ward we also had two other people that were potentially dying. So, needless to say that got all the attention. One lady died of cancer a few months later. Tragic, so unfair, you know? The other kid got lots of medical treatment and after a very long year is now fully healthy again. Then there's me, who will have several decades worth of life changing as a result of how my year went. Life definitely isn't fair. Yes, prayer helps some families, when God approves it, but sometimes he doesn't approve it. But it doesn't mean they weren't praying enough. It just means God said no.

Thank you so much for your kind words, Tara. They really helped. Yes, I'm desperately in need of a hobby to replace hiking. I loved walking on rocks. I did container gardening a bit last Spring, but there are too many problems with it since it is so hard to get to my tiny back porch, and then I'm trapped on the tiny back porch, not enough room for the bag of dirt, and I can't get to the grass. And in the kitchen, all of the counters are so high that I can't use them for potting, because my arms tire really quickly when I have to raise them over my head. So, I hope to container garden a lot more once we move, in a few years. Or maybe now, if I can find a way. I'd like that. The photography I've always done, but not seriously. But I feel it has really suffered because I can't climb over rocks like I used to do to get the good shots. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm giving into a gimp hobby. But any hobby is better than none.

See, I'm just complaining again. I'm sorry. I'll work on it. Eventually I'll find something I like to do. Brian says I need to think outside the box, and think of things I've never thought of before, instead of just wishing I could do what I used to do. So, he's wise, as always. :-)

Brian's also really inspiring me lately with his romantic movies. He loves, not so much chick flicks, but movies about love. His favorite right now is Enchanted. He loves singing love songs too. He's a complete romantic. But I'm learning from him, learning that love can be more important than the crap in our lives. And that maybe if I focus on the love, and remember that it's more important, maybe I'll worry less about the crap.

Just a theory, but a good one. :-)