Wrong Planet post

The following is from a post I left on the Wrong Planet forum: http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.html?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=24760
in which the question was raised about how much an Aspie (person with Austism/Asperger's syndrome) can learn to act like a normal (NT) person.... by the way, my name on the site is an abbreviated form of my middle name: Laynie.


Kensho, I think this is a great question you brought up. I am also an adult aspie with a high IQ, undiagnosed as a child, who spent her entire life learning to mimic NT behavior. I call it acting, and I've learned that this "acting" I do is the best way to translate me to everyone else. Since there's more of them than me, I have trained myself to talk their language, so to speak. I also like learning languages, so I guess that's why I relate the two.

I have come to feel that if I want people to understand me, it's my job to translate myself. For example, my normal internally-driven response to a lady saying hi to me would be to either say nothing and not even look at her, or to start talking about whatever was on my mind, such as maps or weather patterns. If I were to talk to her at all it would be because I wanted to socialize, even though I wouldn't know how to acheive that socialization I wanted. However, I learned in elementary school that this response does not garner a continued conversation. It makes people walk away and not say hi to you next time. So, over the course of my 33 years, I've learned what to do instead. When a woman says hi to me, and I feel like socializing (not always, but much of the time) I will stop and put all my focus into watching her mouth to see what she says. I will then use some of my stored reponses to create the "feeling" she was going for, such as "how are you?" or "great weather" or that's a nice shirt (that one goes over well). In my early 20's I found this to be incredibly insulting, and I thought that acting was lying. However, lately, in my older age, I realize that these things are important ways of helping others feel accepted and happy. So I happily adopt the "language" to translate my good feelings of friendship into words that the other person will interpret as "she's nice and she's being nice to me", which is, after all, my goal. Then, when the other person says similar things back to me, I will run it through my "translator" which will tell me that the other person is nice, and that she's trying to be nice to me. After the translation, these things make me very happy. Therefore, communication has been achieved.

Apparently, I have practically mastered this plan. I was a complete social outcast for the first 26 or so years of my life. And now, at 33, I've completely fooled everyone I know into thinking I'm not only normal, but very nice and (some people even think) very social. They just don't know how hard I work at it. And that every three days or so I need a major break from humans in order to "recharge" my translator. When I'm wound down, I can't translate at all, which is very difficult for all parties involved, because even though I may feel happy and want to express appreciation for the other person, none comes out. They think I'm mad at them, and they get mad at me, which makes me actually mad. So, when I'm too worn out to translate, it's best to rest from people until I can do it properly again.

Sometimes I impress myself. Yesterday, I socialized at a high level of good translating for a total of 5 hours yesterday, which is incredibly good. Usually, my total is 2 hours a day. The trick is that today I have meetings and such, and it will total about 4 hours of socializing and communicating today, so by tomorrow I'll probably need to stay home with my kids all day and rest from any human who is not my child or my husband. And even then I won't be talking too much. But, if I do that, then by Friday I'll be recharged again and can go run lots of errands and negotiate the traffic and the crowds just fine.

I'm so good at this, that occasionally, when conversation turns to concern about how the neighborhood Aspie children are being treated by their parents as practical invalids, I get so upset about the limits that are being placed on these kids' potentials that, in order to make my point of what an Aspie's potential really is, I go ahead and tell the person that I, too am an Aspie, just like that kid. They NEVER believe me. I have become quite the actress!

So, to answer your question, yes I believe it's possible to "learn" NT behavior. Your question about if it relates to IQ and fight or drive is a good one. I have plenty of both, so all I can do is confirm your theory that those things are helpful or essential to gain this skill.

I have also been wondering about upbringing lately. Like I said, I see many children now who are diagnosed and whose parents are walking on eggshells around them. All the parents talk about is the child's disorders, they don't talk about the child. They tell me (not knowing I'm an Aspie) all the things the child won't be able to do in life -- all things that I have done. And I'm becoming quite enraged about it of late. I was treated like a completely normal child, because there was no diagnosis in those years. Same with all adult Aspies. If I had known I had an excuse, and if I had known how much damn harder it was for me to learn those things compared to others, there's no way I would have worked so hard. It was hard! But I did it because I honestly thought I was normal and that hiding my "tendencies" was essential to the life I wanted to lead. Well, it turns out I was absolutely correct about the latter.

So, I would like to add this question to Kensho's... are psychologists and therefore parents (who obey their doctors) doing younger Aspie's a huge disfavor by allowing them to know they are different and by exempting them from normal social events in life, such as playtime, Cub Scouts, overnight trips with Youth organizations, and the opportunity of being treated like a person with unlimited potential?

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Then, Kensho said some really good things, including this: "Seems to me that AS kids should be "mainstreamed" as much as possible. Yes, give them extra help to cope with social or whatever other issues they might have, but don't treat them like they are disabled. Bump up their self-esteem by giving them enrichment classes in things they are good at. Just give them some "tools" and turn them loose."

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To which I responded:

Yes, I totally agree Kensho. Looks like we're on the same page about this. Aspie children should be mainstreamed as much as possible. Now, I do homeschool, and I think that's partically because I like to teach and partially because public school was so hard on me. I choose to homeschool before I knew I was an Aspie. I thought everyone hated classrooms and loved to learn from books like me. So, after I was diagnosed, I had to be sure I was homeschooling for the right reasons. We determined that we could do a better job of teaching them than public school could, so that means I still get to homeschool, even though I realize now that my children wouldn't have hated the classroom environment as much as I did. But, now that I believe in mainstreaming socially more than I used to, now that I know all the benefits it actually gave me, that I didn't appreciate at the time, I'm actively keeping my kids involved with other kids. We go to group park days, violin lessons, Cub Scouts, church activities, and have friends who come over to play, such that they are at social events 4-5 days per school week. It's very hard on me, since I don't need that much socialization, but I know it's important and the right thing to do. My kids are NTs, normal, but I know I would treat them the same whether they were Aspies or not. The only difference is that I would be more direct in teaching rules of social behavior if I had an Aspie child. I would expect all of the same high standards. Indeed, if they were like me, I would expect the child to excel highly in one or two subjects as well.

My 7 year old son has an Aspie girlfriend (one of his 2 girlfriends, 7 year olds are so cute!), who seems normal to me (but my husband says it makes sense that I see Aspie's as being normal), and that poor girl's mom will not LET her be normal. They homeschool too, and we met them at a homeschoolers' park day. But that mom told us (again, not knowing I'm an Aspie) that they do 4 hours of therapy a day! And that most days they only do 30 minutes or zero actual homeschooling. This poor girl is actually giving up her education over it!

Another family I know has two Austistic kids. One Aspie and one very low IQ Autist. They won't let those kids do anything. I'm the leader of the large children's organization in our church. There are about 100 kids and adult leaders under me. One organization I'm over is Cub Scouts, and that family won't LET their boys be in Cub Scouts. The mom says "well, they can't keep up physically, so I don't want them to be let down." We keep telling them that their child won't be left behind, that the leaders are very sensitive and that he doesn't even have to keep up with the requirements, he'll have an exception. They won't do it. It's so heartbreaking to me. Especially for the high IQ Aspie boy, because I know his potential! I keep wanting to yell at the top of my lungs: Look! I'm the leader of this entire organization, and I'm an Aspie. Look how much I learned, look how much I can do. I organize people, and take care of them emotionally, I lead meetings, I decide many things to take care of all of those people. Surely your boy can figure out how to attend a Scout Meeting!!!

Then I saw this video on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_R_CUxrZ8I&mode=related&search= in which a dad of an Aspie boy, who seems at first to be a nice man, literally lists, for several minutes, all the things his boy will never do. And it's a ridiculous list, beginning around 4:20 in the video, saying he would never have best friends, participate in sports, have girlfriends, fall in love, kiss, have acedemic achievements, graduate from college, get into medical school, get married, or get a job. Made me crazy!!! I had all those things, well, except medical school, but that was by choice. I could have if I had wanted to. I learned so much about medicine on my own that I voluntarily gave birth to my 2nd son at home, alone, with just my husband and my 1st son here, because I learned everything a person needs to know for every possible birth complication.

For anyone that wants to help me on this Crusade, look at this depressing and pathetic video. They show pictures of their boy, and play pensive music, as if he's dead. It's so sad. After hearing these parents, I can't believe that the boy and I have the same types of brains. I just praise the Lord that I had different parents. My mom just kept teaching me my whole childhood, both things I wanted to learn, like the sciences I was interested in, and things I needed to learn, like social rules. My mom gave me endless support and encouragement. That's what an Aspie child needs, not a parent who's decided early on all the lists of things that the child will never be able to do.

Wow, sorry that's so negative. I'm really in a good mood today, it's just this topic has been developing in my mind this past week and I really needed to get it out. Thanks so much for your posts today, Kensho.